Hector's Secret Diary
by screamstar
Summary: Does exactly what it says on the tin. Like the Achilles one. Only a lot funnier. Honest, if you've not laughed by the end, well you can't have your money back, 'cause I'm penniless. Enjoy... (rated for some naughty language and 'adult themes' :P)


**The Secret Diary of Hector, Prince of Troy.**

**Entry 1.**

Am here in Sparta on an ambassadorial mission. Basically we have to suck up big time to the Spartan King, Menelaus.

Not sure why, cos we've been fighting them for like, forever, but I think it has something to do with the fact that Menelaus' big brother has big arms or something like that....no, wait.........ah yes, that's it, his brother has a fuck off HUGE army and wants to take over the world. Not a very novel option, but then the Greeks are always copying things from other nations. Everyone thinks they invented the Olympics, when in fact they completely stole that idea from the Scots after they were special guests one year at the Braemar Highland Games. Guess Billy Connelly was busy or something. Thats when the fashion for men wearing skirts came in. Looks pretty stupid if you ask me, but then I am grateful for the breeze around my nether regions on hotter days.

Anyway, I digress. I do that a lot. Deal with it.

So yeah, trying very hard to be nice to the Spartan King. He's a bit of a pain in the arse if you ask me. Only into drinking, fighting and whoring, mostly in that order. And he's ginger too. Not quite sure how that happened. Maybe the Olympics and skirts weren't the only thing the Greeks brought back from Scotland if you catch my drift? Anyway, probably not a good idea to make comments about his heritage at this point in time. His wife's pretty hot though.

Which brings me to the next pain in the arse. My brother, Paris. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be an ambassador for your nation when you have a brother who'd shag a barbers floor if it had a hole in it? he's unreal. We go through serving wenches at an incredible rate back home at the palace. I swear some of them haven't been five minutes off the boat before Paris is in there. Then when the inevitable happens, we have to get rid of them, and their off-spring. Apart from anything else, we're running out of places to drown the buggers, never mind the amount of hessian sacks we go through. I reckon he's had every female in Troy at least once. Lets just say that the virgins who serve Apollo in the temple no longer live up to their title. Hope Apollo doesn't find out or we're all screwed.

**Entry 2.**

I fecking knew it!! Paris is at it again. Saw him sneaking off with Helen tonight at the feast. For any sake! I'm downstairs telling Menelaus what a great guy he is, and my ass-hole brother is upstairs giving his wife one! I swear that boy will be the death of me.

Somehow wish I hadn't said that.

**Entry 3.**

Finally on the boat back home. Glad to see the back of Sparta, and their King, and that bint he's married to. I may not know as much about women as my constantly horny brother, but mark my words, that one is nothing but trouble. It's written all over her. Or maybe that's just an unfortunate birth mark, or a tattoo gone wrong. Whatever. Stood on deck enjoying the fresh air and whittling. Hey, it's my ship, I'll do what I want okay?

**Entry 4.**

I don't believe this.

Was standing on deck, minding my own business, when Paris comes up to me and asks me if I love him. Bit worrying. Maybe he's decided to bat for the other side? He wants me to come below decks, says he has "something to show me". I'll go out of curiosity, but if he so much as lays a hand on my skirt, he's dead meat, brother or not!

**Entry 5.**

This just keeps getting worse.

Went below decks with Paris. He whips back a blanket and shows me...................Helen.

To be truthful, initially, I was somewhat relieved, but now I've had a chance to think about it, we are SO screwed.

Took Paris up on deck and verbally ripped him a new arsehole, then ordered the boat to turn back to Sparta. So getting rid of this ballast.

Have had second thoughts about the 'going back to Sparta' thing. Menelaus is a BIG bloke after all, and I'm guessing he'll be somewhat peeved that we've stolen his wife. Just a hunch like. Decided to head for home instead. Troy has BIG walls. I'm guessing they'll come in handy.

**Entry 6.**

Reading the Aegean Times whilst on the way home. Apparently, Agamemnon has taken over yet another country in his bid to conquer the world. This time it was a straight fight between the Greeks best warrior, bloke named Achilles, and the Thessalonian champion. Achilles won. No surprise there then. This Achilles bloke is getting quite a name for himself. Apparently he's unbeatable. From what I've heard, he's got a lot in common with Paris too. Never off the nest so they say, and he does bat for the other side as well. Got to admire the man for widening his options, so to speak. Gossip lately is that he's got a boyfriend called Patroclus. Official word from the Greeks is that it's his 'cousin'. Yeah right, and I'm the Queen of Sheba. There's a picture here of them 'wrestling'. I've never wrestled my cousin like that. Okay, maybe I did once, and maybe Paris isn't alone in being responsible for the Virgins of Apollo having to change their name, but at least she was a GIRL.

Still, no word yet on Menelaus finding out his wife's gone missing. Well, it IS a big palace.

**Entry 7.**

Have arrived home in Troy. Made a triumphant procession through the streets with Paris and Helen. Spotted several heavily pregnant serving wenches in the crowd. I swear I'm going to tie a knot somewhere painful about Paris's person first chance I get.

Dad seemed pleased to see us, and didn't bat an eyelid at the fact that Paris has brought someone else's wife home with him. Guess he's used to it by now.

Had a chat with Dad after dinner about the 'Helen' thing. He reckons we wait till Paris isn't looking and send her back on the first tourist ferry to Sparta. Unfortunately, it would seem that the schmuck is 'in love' with Helen, so if we send her back, the idiot will only follow her, (he's always been led by his dick, that's why we're in this mess in the first place) and then guess who'll have to go and save his skinny butt getting kicked all over Sparta? Yep, that's right, ME. And frankly I'm not keen.

General consensus of opinion is that we sit tight and wait to see what happens. Maybe Menelaus won't notice. Like I said, BIG palace.

**Entry 8.**

Shit. He noticed.

Woke up this morning to the sound of the city "bollocks we're under attack - everyone HIDE!" bell ringing. Went onto the balcony and looked out to sea. Couldn't see a bloody thing. That's cos there were fecking THOUSANDS of Greek warships in the way. Methinks we are in deep, deep shit. And you can quote me on that.

First meeting with Achilles. That guy is such a show-off. His ship was the first to land on the beach, and then he and his Myrmidons charged into our sacred temple to Apollo and ransacked the place. Still, at least he didn't get first dibs on the virgins. Too late sucker! Hee-hee. Ahem. Anyway, went charging over there to sort him out, and the bastard chucked a spear at me! Fortunately for me it missed, Unfortunately for some other bloke it didn't. Bit of a scuffle inside the temple and then it was just him and me. Surprisingly he didn't go for it, just whinged on about it "not being his king" and "not being his war". Suggested he might have made the wrong career choice if he didn't like picking fights. Didn't go down well. He lopped the head off a statue of Apollo in a fit of rage. Guess Apollo's at least got a good excuse for not turning up for this fight. That's a first.

Made my own excuses and left.

Phew.

**Entry 9.**

Meeting of the war council. Paris being very quiet. Bloody good job too. When this is over, I'm going to ram his sandals so far up his arse, it'll look like he has suede teeth - with laces.

Meeting not going well. Some air-head priest reckons everything will be okay, cos he saw an eagle flying with a serpent in its mouth yesterday. Pointed out that it was all very well for him to be off his tits on la-la juice and hallucinating all over the place, but that we still had a war to fight. Got told off by Dad for being disrespectful to a priest. All priests ever go on about is "Apollo will favour us, Apollo will save us, Apollo this, Apollo that...." I've been in countless battles over the years, and I've yet to see Apollo even show up at a fight yet. Have to admit, his publicist is good though.

Oh great. Now Paris has announced that he will fight Menelaus for Helens honour (which is frankly more than she ever did, but never mind) Would probably have more faith in this idea if Paris had said he was going to shag Menelaus, now THAT I could believe, but fight him??

Off to find out what the betting odds are on Paris winning this fight. What? Being Prince of Troy doesn't come with a pension plan y'know. I have to think of the future.

**Entry 10.**

The day of the big fight. Waiting outside the city gates with Paris. Reckon that's our first mistake. _Inside_ the city gates would have been my first choice, but Paris is being all tough cos his girlfriend's watching. Makes ya sick. It's a good job she's watching from a long way back though, or she'd have noticed that awful smell that emanated from Paris just as the Greeks came over the hill towards us. I'm guessing trousers would have been a better option than a skirt in these circumstances.

Agamemnon and Menelaus come over and we swap insults for a while. Then I ask how come Menelaus has ginger hair if he's a Greek and the atmosphere changed immediately. Oops.

Took Paris to one side to give him a few helpful hints about the fight.

Hint No.1 - RUN!!

Hint No.2 - RUN FASTER!!

HInt No.3 - BUT NOT FASTER THAN ME!!!!!

Paris blathering on about "tell Helen this" and "tell Helen that" Told him to concentrate on his sword and Menelaus's sword and sod all else, especially not Helen, or any other woman for that matter, cos anything sticking out of his tunic is liable to get chopped off and that would just be icky.

Fight begins.

Fight not going well.

Fight not going weller.

I can't bear to look.

This is embarrassing.

What's that on my leg?

Oh for fucks sake Paris!!

Paris ends the fight by clinging to my leg like a whipped puppy. As per bloody usual, I have to get him out of the shit.

Stick my sword straight through Menelaus (hey! I invented shish-kebabs, bet the Greeks claim the credit for that one too! - bastards)

Walk back to the city gates with Paris trailing behind.

Mutter to Paris that Dad said "As long as a MAN of Troy held the sword, Troy would be safe", and that at no point did he say "As long as a feeble nancy boy who couldn't fight the ninth Trojan Girl Guides and win, held the sword."

Tosser.

**Entry 11.**

We've decided to attack the Greeks at dawn. I did suggest attacking them at siesta time instead, anything to get an advantage, but was overruled. Damn.

Came up with a new game too. I've called it 'Barbequed Greek Skittles'. Basically it involves rolling big blazing balls of straw down the beach at the Greeks. I've come up with a new song based on this. It's called "Fuck me! Great balls of fire!" Might have to work on the title a little to get it past the censors, but hey-ho.

The blazing balls thing worked well, and then we were in the thick of it. Suddenly saw Achilles charging towards me. I could tell it was him by the blonde hair and the way he walked like he had something up his backside. He probably did until only hours before the fight.

He didn't seem to be on his usual from, so I took my chance when it came and slit his throat. Greatest warrior ever my arse. Knelt down and removed his helmet. No... the METAL one. Bit of a downer when I discovered it wasn't Achilles at all, but his 'cousin'.

I'm guessing this isn't going to go down well with Achilles.

Shit.

**Entry 12.**

I was right. As I write this, Achilles is outside the city walls bellowing my name over and over again.

Well tough shit, cos little does he know that I secured the services of a scribe last night, and changed my name by deed-poll to Mandy.

Lalalalalalalala - I can't heeeeaaaar yoooooooo!!!!

Snigger.

**Footnote: **_Written by Priam, Hectors father._

_Was reading over Hector's shoulder when he wrote that last bit. Gave him a good talking to and sent him out there to fight Achilles with honour._

_One cowardly ponce with a girls name in this family is enough._


End file.
